There is distinct phases these relationships typically go through, whether it’s with your partner, parent, sibling or friend.

Idealization, devaluation and discard, this cycle will be on repeat for the longest time.

The first phase: Idealization

This phase occurs right at the beginning of a relationship, another term used for this phase is “love-bombing”. This is where they shower you with love, adoration, gifts and beautiful gestures and present themselves exactly to be who they think you want them to be. This phase is perhaps also the most dangerous as they reel you in. Perhaps the saying, “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is”, comes to mind, right?

During this phase, you feel as if you can’t get enough of this person, probably can’t believe you found someone so “in-tune” with your energy. They will make you feel so good that you may just so ignore the subtle warning signs.

You will become so consumed, that even if some red flags pop-up, you quickly have an explanation for them.

I want to make this clear, this phase also applies to familial bonds, between narcissistic parent and their children. (I will give more insight on this in my next blog)

The second phase: Devaluation

After you’re completely reeled in, subtle manipulative tendencies will creep in your relationship, perhaps running down your closest friends and family members to ultimately isolate you, which leaves you relying on them completely. They might use phrases like, “it’s us against the world” making you believe that you are on solid ground with them.

After a while they will start lying to you, rewrite history to escape accountability and confuse you from your reality. They will become verbally abusive, insult and accuse you, blame and shame you, threaten you, guilt-trip you and ultimately withhold the very things that made you fall for them in the first place, knowing that you rely on them.

You will not be save from sarcasm, humiliation in front of others and after a while suffer from low self-esteem. They may become aggressive as to shock you into submission, becoming fearful of them. At worse they even might become physically abusive.

Unfortunately, it is common for the victim to make excuses, because they did a pretty excellent job during the first phase. The narcissist will also mix some of the initial “love-bombing” in there as part of his/her tactics to keep you on your toes and confused at all times and it usually works out perfectly in their favor.

These manipulative tactics, will cause you to start self-doubting yourself, leaving you in a fog and confused. Your self-esteem will be stripped and you will feel like you aren’t good enough or can’t do anything right.

The third phase: Discard.

The narcissist always looks out for themselves. Hunting their prey in the beginning of the relationship gave them an ego boost, the “chase” was on and that excited them. Once they sucked you dry and you no longer give them a “high” or feed their “supply”, you will be thrown out like old socks OR the toxic cycle starts all over again if you unfortunately don’t get out after this phase.

Learn the signs, empower yourself. You deserve to be happy.